Keith from NY, along with the 2 attachments, said with this classic revisited, What would you perfer? Which would you prefer to have, Parkinsons or Alzheiners? Answer Parkinsons, Better to spill a little Scotch, than to forget wher you left the bottle. 1~ The Rev. Dennis G. from PA sent, Digest of clean jokes The strange lawyer A lawyer named Strange passed away. His friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for a passerby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However, he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, "That's Strange." The poddy A Little Three Year Old Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet. His Mother Thinks He Has Been In There Too Long, So She Goes In To See What's Up. The Little Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet Reading A Book. But About Every 10 Seconds Or So He Puts The Book Down, Grips Onto The Toilet Seat With His Left Hand And Hits Himself On Top Of The Head With His Right Hand. His Mother Says: "billy, Are You All Right?you've Been In Here For A long While... Billy Says: "i'm Fine, Mommy.. I Just Haven't Gone 'doody' Yet." Mother Says: "ok, You Can Stay Here A Few More Minutes.but, Billy, Why Are You Hitting Yourself On The Head?" Billy Says: "works For Ketchup." 4 Husbans The local news station was interviewing an 80 year-old old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He thenasked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first threehusbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go." Five Horses A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She is called Five Horses". The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean ..... NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!" 1 Generation Later 1978: Long hair 2010: Longing for hair 1978: KEG 2010: EKG 1978: Acid rock 2010: Acid reflux 1978: Moving to California because it's cool 2010: Moving to Arizona because it's warm 1978: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2010: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1978: Seeds and stems 2010: Roughage 1978: Hoping for a BMW 2010: Hoping for a BM 1978: Going to a new, hip joint 2010: Receiving a new hip joint 1978: Rolling Stones 2010: Kidney Stones 1978: Disco 2010: Costco 1978: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2010: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1978: Passing the drivers' test 2010: Passing the vision test 1978: Whatever 2010: Depends A Little Cooking Humor: Signs found in Kitchens 1. Kitchen closed - this chick has had it! 2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here! 3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too! 4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! 5. Ring Bell for Maid Service ... If no answer do it yourself! 6. I clean house every other day ... Today is the otherday! 7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it! 8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener! 9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it! 10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life. 11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! 12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. 13. If you don't like my standards of cooking ... lower your standards. 14. You may touch the dust in this house ... but please don't write in it! 15. Apology ... Although you'll find our house a mess,-enter in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it'seven worse. 16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchenis delirious. 17. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 18. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 19. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 20. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. 21. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. 22. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchenand gone on to lead normal lives. .... and the best one of them all ... 23. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines. The not stolen car A man had been in a meeting that lasted all afternoon and as he walked out, he was tired and just wanted to go home. He reached into his coat pocket and realized his car keys were missing. He looked around but could not find his keys. He went outside to look in the car and discovered his car was gone too. His car had been stolen. So he called the police, they came and took a report, and then the man called his wife to see if she would be able to come pick him up. She answered the phone and he told her the upsetting news. "Honey, you're not going to believe this but my car was stolen while I was in the meeting." There was a long pause, "I dropped you off at your meeting today. I have the car!" she said. "Oh, that's right! I can't believe I forgot that. I'm glad the car is okay. Well, will you still come back and pick me up?" She said, "Yes, of course I will. As soon as I convince this cop the car is not stolen." 6 item express lane I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?' Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? 45 minute wait Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said. 'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately. Re-elected The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. Radiant bride All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. What would you like them to say? Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?' Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a mhuge difference in people's lives." Al said: "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!" Creative puns 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 8. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 10. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, you stay here; I'll go on a head. 11. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.. 12. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.' 13. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 14. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small mediumat large. 15. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 16. A backward poet writes inverse. 17. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. John John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said. 'Of course, John,' his wife said softly. 'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.' 'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said. With his last breath John said, 'I do!' Rabbi A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.' The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?' The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?' The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison! 4 worms todays health lesson A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke -Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation. What can you learn from this demonstration? Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!' That pretty much ended the service! Looking for the Post Office A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, Can You tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a Coupla blocks and turn to your right." The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get To Heaven." The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on, . . . 'You don't Even know how to get to the Post Office!" AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES: THESE REALLY WORK!! 1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. 2. TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK. 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.] 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.. 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM. CHILDREN AT CHURCH One particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." Six year old Angie and her four year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, and talked out loud. Finally his sister had had enough and said "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why, who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said: "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." A father was at the beach with his children when the four year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then asked, "Did God throw him back down?" A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table she turned to their six year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say" the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say." The daughter bowed her head and prayed "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "NEW YORK GIANTS." FOUR OF THE YEAR'S BEST COMEBACK RESPONSES... Number 1: If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility... Q: "Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?" A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." Q: "Who was a fellow Officer, who provided this description?" A: "The officer who responded to the scene. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Q: "Do you trust your fellow officers?" A: "Yes, sir. With my life." Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" A: "Yes sir, we do!" Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" A: "Yes, sir, I do." Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?" A: "Yes, sir." Q: "Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?" A: "You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room." The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win. Number 2: Now We Know Why He Was a General... In a interview sometime after 9/11/2001, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was classic Schwarzkopf. The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God 's function...OUR job is to arrange the meeting." NUMBER 3 Dana Perino (FOX News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries that he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages? "Oh, no ma'am, we don't go there to talk." NUMBER 4 Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . Iranian Air Defense Site: "Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself." Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace." Air Defense Site: "You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft! " Aircraft: "This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 Fighter. Send'em up, I'll wait! Air Defense Site: ( ... total silence) God bless our troops. There is something about our military that makes other countries listen to reason. Like a rolling stone At my ten-year-old's request, I loaded my Rolling Stones tunes onto his iPod. "I had no idea you liked the Stones," I said. "Sure. I like all that old-fashioned music," he said. "What do you mean, 'old-fashioned music'?" "You know," he said defensively. "Music from the 1900's." 8 Sightings of Stupidity Sighting #1: I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, "Sure." The next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?" I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is unsuccessfully trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water. Sighting #2: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask." Sighting #3: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?" Sighting #4: At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck. Sighting #5: I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on. Sighting #6: (a rare "double sighting"): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too. Sighting #7 (from Tech Support): Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Induhvidual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?" Sighting #8 (from Tech Support): Induhvidual: Now what do I do? Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen? Induhvidual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name." Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name. Induhvidual: How do you spell that? 6 9 or 12 ARE WE THE ONES WITH DEMENTIA OR ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGING?? ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could order 6, 9, or 12 Chicken McNuggets I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right,' said the teenager. So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is? I said to her, 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today. She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. (But the lady behind me had a big smile on her face as I left) THREE A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy. (Keep shuddering!!) FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this ?? 'Hmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm on your car?', I asked. 'No, just this emote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long way to walk....' PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!!! FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. Brunette, by the way!! SIX A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......' Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now !!! Life is tough. It's even tougher when you're Stupid !!! Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh .... it is all true ....... Six Truths in Life 1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time. It's a physical impossibility due to the tendons within your neck . 2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it . 3. And discover #1 is a lie . 4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot . 5. You soon will Share this with another idiot . 6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.I apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company. You now have 2 options...delete it or send it along to put a smile on someone's face today. ~2`
Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy. ~Norman Vincent Peale
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